A wise monk once said “there is no resolution” and he may have been right, but he probably never had to write the finale of a hit TV show. Let’s get into The White Lotus Wellness Check!

Warning: These recaps, in which we rank which characters are having the most relaxing stay, are packed with spoilers. Only read if you have watched episode eight of season three of The White Lotus.

MOST RELAXED

Belinda: Wow, all this time we thought that pursuing an ethical life was the key to happiness; it turns out that it’s blackmailing a murderer! Belinda and Zion sail off into the sunset after making no bones about their allegiance. “We’re team Greg!” Zion says cheerfully, as he demands $5 million so that “everyone gets their happy ending”.

Everyone except for Pornchai, who Belinda leaves, dashing their plan to open a retreat together (sound familiar?). And of course except for Tanya, who continues to be dead. Good luck, Belinda!

Jaclyn, Kate and Laurie: There’s a particular type of willing lobotomy necessary to keep certain friendships alive. Jaclyn, Kate and even Laurie seem to be able to somehow wipe their brains of the passive-aggressive poison of the trip and keep on lovin’ each other, to which I’ll say, ‘I’ll have what she’s having!’

Jaclyn apologises to Laurie for sleeping with Valentin and says, “I want to be your friend!” It’s strangely believable – Jaclyn just doesn’t know how to be friends with someone who is getting more attention than her. Kate says she feels that the soil of their friendship has been nurtured. Laurie says she has been profoundly sad all week. But this sadness has … made her happy?

“I have no belief system,” she says. “I’m glad you have a beautiful face, and I’m glad you have a beautiful life, and I’m just happy to be at the table.” Laurie thinks her meaning is tied to how long she’s been friends with these women – but is an investment of time always an indicator of quality?

As the three women tangle their limbs together and drink chardonnay on the boat home, you can’t help but think, wow, I hope Laurie has Mel Robbins podcasts lined up for the flight.

Gaitok: Gaitok got what he wanted! Mook respects him because he killed someone! He got a promotion because he killed someone! He betrayed his core values and decided that outside validation meant more to him than his faith!

He looks good in a pair of sunglasses, though.

NOT SO RELAXED

The Ratliff family: Food is so important. Food is how you know you’ll never make it as a Buddhist. “The food didn’t taste organic, and it was bland,” says Piper, crying at how under-seasoned the vegetables were at the meditation centre. “How could I eat that for a whole year?”

Food is how you communicate with your brother that you really don’t feel good about that threesome that happened a few days ago. “Can you make me a protein shake?” asks Lochy. “NO ONE IS GOING TO MAKE YOU INTO A MAN, YOU’VE GOT TO DO IT YOURSELF!!!” Saxon yells, waving his self-help book in the air. Lochy, confused at the sight of Saxon with a book in his hand, asks his brother if he’s mad. He only had relations with Saxon because he didn’t want him to feel left out! “I’m a people pleaser!” he argues. Saxon dissociates into self-help, possibly forever.

Food is how you decide to (almost) poison your entire family with suicide-seed pina coladas. Timothy goes far enough that he should probably be in jail: Victoria, Saxon and Piper all wrinkle their noses and sip the stinky cocktails gingerly as Timothy shouts “CHUG, CHUG, CHUG!” only to change his mind a few seconds later and slap it out of Saxon’s hand. “Wow close call, that coconut milk is off, good night!” Timothy says, wiping his brow.

Unfortunately, the next morning Lochy inexplicably decides he’s going to add some protein powder and water to leftover pina colada and blend it up real nice – something that no one in human history has ever done. His siblings walk past him convulsing on a cabana, and he dies long enough to see God, before waking up in his father’s arms.

Doesn’t it feel like getting their phones back and checking their mentions will be the least bad thing to happen to the Ratliff family this week?

LEAST RELAXED

Rick and Chelsea: When did you figure out that it was going to happen? When Chelsea said, “I think we’re going to be together forever, don’t you?” and instead of saying “you’re annoying” or “you’re insane” as he usually does, Rick replied “that’s the plan”?

Was it when Rick offered to get Chelsea a doughnut? That he thought it was fine to threaten the owner of The White Lotus, then waltz around The White Lotus getting donuts?

Was it when Jim Hollinger said, “Well look who it is. By the way, your dead mother was a harlot and your father wasn’t a saint, enjoy your doughnut”?

It could have been any of those things. Unfortunately, Amrita was too busy dealing with Zion’s stress (ironic!) to unpack Rick’s stress, so he did the only thing he knew: ignored Chelsea, grabbed Jim Hollinger’s holster and shot him twice in the chest.

“He killed my father!” he tells Sritala.

“He is your father!” she replies. “No duh.”

In the struggle, poor Chelsea is shot in the chest. Rick cradles her and is shot in the back by Gaitok. These aren’t the kind of silly White Lotus deaths we’re used to, but maybe that’s the point. Did we ever think any of these characters would achieve true catharsis? What would justice even look like for any of them?

One thing is for sure: Chelsea really did deserve that doughnut.

The White Lotus is streaming on Max.

Find out the next TV, streaming series and movies to add to your must-sees. Get The Watchlist delivered every Thursday.